Why women stay when they shouldn’t?

It often comes as a surprise when women, beautiful and smart, get stuck in rotten relationships with rotten men. And yet, it has become common for us to hear horror stories of battered women and women who are willing to stick it out with their men even at the risk of their own lives.

In the Philippines, it’s a big issue when women at the age of 35 – or worse, as other women would say, at the age of 40 – is still single, ‘boyfriend-less’ and not yet married. Like my cousin, Gie, who’s still single at 45, some people have this notion that she’s so unhappy with her life when she’s actually having the best time spending all her money on her parents and, of course, on clothes, shoes and make-up.

But even if I explained this to some women, they don’t seem to believe that she’s so contented with her life, that she’s happy even without a man by her side. But then, not all women are like her.

Take Len, for example, who has two kids with her boyfriend, Randy. He beats Len a lot and yet she wouldn’t leave him and even tries to conceal his beatings. When I talked with her one time about her situation, I was shocked to hear her say “wala nang papatol sa akin, hindi tulad ng sa ibang babae dahil mas maganda naman sila” (no one would go out with me, unlike in the case of other girls who are prettier than me). But the truth is, Len is very beautiful, with her long, wavy tresses and her legs so slender, she could pass as a model.

It was then that I realized that like all battered women, many Pinays are willing to stay in a bad relationship because of fear of having no man in their life at all. After a failed relationship, especially when they’re emotionally hurt and insecure, they began to feel lesser of a person and unworthy of other people’s love that’s why they opt to stay since the relationship serves as their uncomfortable comfort zone. Add to that the stigma of being a woman and growing old alone in a society where everyone thinks that being alone equates growing old lonely and being not pretty or desirable enough to win a man’s heart.

I think I made the mistake of telling her outright to leave Randy and start a new life, with or without another man. At which she became quite defensive and at which, May, another woman living with a man known for his involvement in illegal activities, smirked and told me that with the way I speak, I might end up like my ‘old maid’ cousin. She asked me, “What do you want us to do, just leave our men? How can we find another man when we already have children?”

But my cousin Juliet’s answer to that is simple: we don’t have to live with a man to be happy and feel complete in life. We can actually be happier living alone or with our kids, even without a husband or a boyfriend by our side, especially when the guy’s hurting us physically and emotionally. This answer, surprisingly, came from a happily married woman of 15 years.

The fact remains that many Pinays are still trapped with the age-old ‘Maria Clara’ mentality and yet a lot still have no guts to go after the kind of guy they can be happy with, the kind who will not dare hurt his woman but rather love and value her the way she ought to be loved and valued.

And every woman, young and old, with or without children or a degree, is worthy of that kind of love and valuation, even if they happily choose not to have a man in their life.