Tell me when you're ready to listen
FINALLY, I had some time to analyze my feelings.
And I've come to some very clear realizations. Now I know why I'm feeling what I'm feeling. It's not because I'm holding on to the pain or "babying" my feelings. It's not that. Maybe it was partly that, but not exactly that.
It's because we have trust issues. It's because I believe I have concretely proven my point, and to me I KNOW WHAT I KNOW. I know I'm not stupid and that I cannot be fooled. Though everything started out as a hunch--a mere gut feeling that grew into these feelings of betrayal--I know now that everything wasn't just a series of coincidences. They happened because somebody wanted them to happen. And yet you continue to deny them.
The case of the blog
- I know now why your blog is entitled the way it is. It says Month2000. Since I know for a fact that you and Amy got married in Month2000, I asked you whether you created that blog because you thought about Amy. You denied it. You said it was just a typo error. It was meant to be Month2007, the month when you actually created your blog.
Looking back, I now realized that it was actually created on Month 12, 2007, supposedly your seventh anniversary. Tell me if it was just a coincidence that your blog, which was entitled Month2000 (the year of your wedding to Amy), was also created on the exact date of your marriage? And tell me if it was just a coincidence that the main header of the blog (Month2000), and the url (http://month2000.blog...) have the SAME TYPO ERROR?
The text messages, the YMs
- When taken singularly, I thought maybe the text messages and the constant online chatting didn't mean a thing. But when taken collectively, especially when you've read the messages, they become something else entirely. They showed a constant pattern of curiousity or admiration or fascination towards her on your side. They showed some kind of longing--something about your "kumusta ka?" or "kelan tayo mag-iinuman" or your deep concern over her statement "masama pakiramdam ko" that tells me you must have missed her or something.
Be fair to me and ask your girlfriends what they'd think if they caught their boyfriends/husbands talking to their ex the way you did/do. Let them see the whole picture, without painting me as the snoopy and overly possessive girlfriend.
Your inuman sessions
- Okay, so I know you and Amy didn't fuck. Of course you wouldn't because "she's not like that." She ended your marriage in the first place, why the hell would she sleep with you again, right?
But just because you didn't sleep with her doesn't mean I have no reason to feel betrayed. Because I know for a fact that you went out with her (AGAIN, and apparently with a friend), drank beer, and talked about sex and orgasm, without telling me that you went out with her (or even denied that you went out with her). And I think I know when this happened. Did you go out with her while I was in Cebu in June 2007? Because according to her blog entry that was when you and your friend went out with her for some drinks and some chat about S and O. How ironic the whole situation was because you've told me about your monthly trips to Cebu just to see her during the time she was based there, right? Then, when it was my turn to be in Cebu, instead of visiting me (which, I must admit I was half-expecting you to do), you still went out to see her.
OA ba ako?
Siguro iniisip mo na ngayon na "heto na naman kami" or "hindi na tayo naka-usad." Pero ang sa akin lang, paano tayo uusad kung patuloy mong ide-deny na nangyari ang mga bagay na ito? O patuloy mong sasabihing "typo error lang 'yan" or "coincidence lang 'yan"? Dahil sa tuwing dine-deny mo ang mga bagay na ito, lalong tumitindi ang paniniwala kong kung kaya mong pasinungalingan ang mga bagay na para sa akin eh NAPATUNAYAN KO NA, paano ko pa paniniwalaan ang mga sinasabi mo? Ang mga "I love you" mo? And mga "Ikaw lang"? Ang mga "Hindi ko na mahal si Amy"?
Madali lang sanang solusyunan ito. Madali na sanang tapusin na lang ang relasyon.
Pero iba na kasi ngayon. May ibang buhay nang madadamay. Kaya para man lang sa buhay na iyon na kinaladkad natin sa relasyon natin, gusto ko sanang maging masaya pa rin tayo.
Pero paano?
Kailangan kong mag-heal dahil hanggang ngayon "betrayed" pa rin ang pakiramdam ko. Kahit ilang beses na natin itong pinag-usapan. Kahit ilang beses na natin itong isinettle. Kahit ilang beses mo nang sinabing ako lang ang mahal mo. Kahit ilang beses mo pang i-deny ang mga bagay na ito. Dahil para sa akin, nagdududa pa rin ako. Dahil nawawala lalo ang tiwala ko sa iyo everytime na dine-deny mo siya. Dahil para sa akin, ano pang punto ng pagde-deny sa mga bagay na napatunayan ko na? At sa tuwing dine-deny mo pa siya, lalo kong naiisip ang capacity mong mag-deny na lang lagi ng mga bagay na nangyayari pala.
At kung sasabihin mong pagod ka na at hindi mo na kayang ituloy ito, wala na akong magagawa. Basta ang alam ko, hindi ko na kayang mabuhay na kahati pa si Amy sa buhay mo.
And I've come to some very clear realizations. Now I know why I'm feeling what I'm feeling. It's not because I'm holding on to the pain or "babying" my feelings. It's not that. Maybe it was partly that, but not exactly that.
It's because we have trust issues. It's because I believe I have concretely proven my point, and to me I KNOW WHAT I KNOW. I know I'm not stupid and that I cannot be fooled. Though everything started out as a hunch--a mere gut feeling that grew into these feelings of betrayal--I know now that everything wasn't just a series of coincidences. They happened because somebody wanted them to happen. And yet you continue to deny them.
The case of the blog
- I know now why your blog is entitled the way it is. It says Month2000. Since I know for a fact that you and Amy got married in Month2000, I asked you whether you created that blog because you thought about Amy. You denied it. You said it was just a typo error. It was meant to be Month2007, the month when you actually created your blog.
Looking back, I now realized that it was actually created on Month 12, 2007, supposedly your seventh anniversary. Tell me if it was just a coincidence that your blog, which was entitled Month2000 (the year of your wedding to Amy), was also created on the exact date of your marriage? And tell me if it was just a coincidence that the main header of the blog (Month2000), and the url (http://month2000.blog...) have the SAME TYPO ERROR?
The text messages, the YMs
- When taken singularly, I thought maybe the text messages and the constant online chatting didn't mean a thing. But when taken collectively, especially when you've read the messages, they become something else entirely. They showed a constant pattern of curiousity or admiration or fascination towards her on your side. They showed some kind of longing--something about your "kumusta ka?" or "kelan tayo mag-iinuman" or your deep concern over her statement "masama pakiramdam ko" that tells me you must have missed her or something.
Be fair to me and ask your girlfriends what they'd think if they caught their boyfriends/husbands talking to their ex the way you did/do. Let them see the whole picture, without painting me as the snoopy and overly possessive girlfriend.
Your inuman sessions
- Okay, so I know you and Amy didn't fuck. Of course you wouldn't because "she's not like that." She ended your marriage in the first place, why the hell would she sleep with you again, right?
But just because you didn't sleep with her doesn't mean I have no reason to feel betrayed. Because I know for a fact that you went out with her (AGAIN, and apparently with a friend), drank beer, and talked about sex and orgasm, without telling me that you went out with her (or even denied that you went out with her). And I think I know when this happened. Did you go out with her while I was in Cebu in June 2007? Because according to her blog entry that was when you and your friend went out with her for some drinks and some chat about S and O. How ironic the whole situation was because you've told me about your monthly trips to Cebu just to see her during the time she was based there, right? Then, when it was my turn to be in Cebu, instead of visiting me (which, I must admit I was half-expecting you to do), you still went out to see her.
OA ba ako?
Siguro iniisip mo na ngayon na "heto na naman kami" or "hindi na tayo naka-usad." Pero ang sa akin lang, paano tayo uusad kung patuloy mong ide-deny na nangyari ang mga bagay na ito? O patuloy mong sasabihing "typo error lang 'yan" or "coincidence lang 'yan"? Dahil sa tuwing dine-deny mo ang mga bagay na ito, lalong tumitindi ang paniniwala kong kung kaya mong pasinungalingan ang mga bagay na para sa akin eh NAPATUNAYAN KO NA, paano ko pa paniniwalaan ang mga sinasabi mo? Ang mga "I love you" mo? And mga "Ikaw lang"? Ang mga "Hindi ko na mahal si Amy"?
Madali lang sanang solusyunan ito. Madali na sanang tapusin na lang ang relasyon.
Pero iba na kasi ngayon. May ibang buhay nang madadamay. Kaya para man lang sa buhay na iyon na kinaladkad natin sa relasyon natin, gusto ko sanang maging masaya pa rin tayo.
Pero paano?
Kailangan kong mag-heal dahil hanggang ngayon "betrayed" pa rin ang pakiramdam ko. Kahit ilang beses na natin itong pinag-usapan. Kahit ilang beses na natin itong isinettle. Kahit ilang beses mo nang sinabing ako lang ang mahal mo. Kahit ilang beses mo pang i-deny ang mga bagay na ito. Dahil para sa akin, nagdududa pa rin ako. Dahil nawawala lalo ang tiwala ko sa iyo everytime na dine-deny mo siya. Dahil para sa akin, ano pang punto ng pagde-deny sa mga bagay na napatunayan ko na? At sa tuwing dine-deny mo pa siya, lalo kong naiisip ang capacity mong mag-deny na lang lagi ng mga bagay na nangyayari pala.
At kung sasabihin mong pagod ka na at hindi mo na kayang ituloy ito, wala na akong magagawa. Basta ang alam ko, hindi ko na kayang mabuhay na kahati pa si Amy sa buhay mo.
posted by pee at
8:04:00 AM
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