Guarding my wall of defense

REALITY has a way of hitting me right smack on the face. It’s in connivance with Life and I would have thought that they’re both conspiring against me to stop me from feeling even just a bit happy. Except that I believe happiness—like everything else—should be of our own doing.

It’s weird, though, how Reality worms its way into my head. I had been trying my very best to keep negative thoughts away. These past few weeks, I have kept myself busy with a) my filmmaking workshop; b) trip to Cebu and Bohol; c) gimik with friends; and d) dating Darth Vader. But I guess keeping myself busy with letter D could really pose a problem.

Darth Vader and I had not gone out for two weeks before I left for my provincial trip (What can we do, we had been very busy?). When I got back on Monday, he insisted that we see each other (I begged off since I felt really tired and he said, “Hindi ka excited na makita ako?”). I teased him that he was just probably missing me but he replied, “Baka ikaw.” So when he came to my house Tuesday night (or Wednesday morning), I teased him again about him missing me. Again, he just said that maybe it was me who missed him.

That’s why I got surprised when a few minutes later, he kissed me and said, “I've missed you.” I didn’t know how to react. He kissed me again and said “I've missed you.” And again. And again.

“I want to hear you say it.”

“What?” I asked.

“That you've missed me.”

My heart had probably skipped a beat or clapped its loudest clap. I was speechless for two seconds.

“I've missed you," I said. "Sobra."

There were no tears in my eyes. But I knew that my eyes were a fuckin' give away until we passionately kissed.

That was how he won me over. That was how he demolished my wall of defenses one Tuesday night (or Wednesday morning).

But Friday had to come. And Friday prodded me to invite him to my place again that night. He immediately said yes. I texted, "Yipee!"

Minutes later, “Psst…baka nade-develop ka na ha. Wag ka ma-develop.”

Huh? What was that?

“Ayoko lang na may nasasaktan. At ayoko lang na may nag-iisip na nanloko ako.”

Then don’t be so wonderful, and sweet, and charming, and a lot of other things I want, damn you!

But again, I just told him that "NO-I-am-not-falling-in-love-with-you." And immediately, I started rebuilding my wall...brick by brick.