Be careful with what you wish for

SEVERAL POSTS AGO, I quoted Chuck Palahniuk's "Choke":

WHAT I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction.

I never really believed that such person--a person who'd be chokingly addicted to anybody--truly exists. Until I met Murakami.

As I've said, he's the video editor I met several weeks ago. I worked with him on a docu project and, maybe, we instantly clicked. In the few weeks that I've known him, I found out that he's a visual artist, a songwriter, a poet, a musician, a filmmaker, and a lot of other things. He's "separated" with a kid. And he's crazy about me.

He flatters me a lot. As in he notices how I use my left hand to draw or write or smoke or hold my fork. He loves it that I'm left-handed. He adores my humongous feet and my stye-scarred right eye. He likes touching my hair, or my head, or my face. He loves watching me smile. He looks at me as though he was a lovestruck puppy. He's giddy when he's around me. He says my presence overwhelmes him.

He wants me to be his girlfriend. And later on, maybe the mother of his children.

He wants to see me every single day. As in EVERY SINGLE DAY. As in eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. He seems to be very much addicted to me.

But the thing is it's NOT a mutual addiction.

Don't get me wrong: I really like him. If only he were a bit less demanding, I'd probably have fallen head over heels for him by now. Except that I'm a person who loves challenges. Sure, I'm extremely flattered by how he describes me or notices gestures which I'd never noticed about myself. Sure, I like the attention he's been giving me. But I just can't take the pressure of being the center of his life, much less be the "reason for my existence," as he puts it. Right now, I don't know if I'm ready to be responsible for his happiness.

And then there's Estong. Am I really ready to give up Estong for him? I love Estong. I can't possibly give him up for anyone. I want him in my life, even as a CLOSE friend. Can Murakami take it that I'm close to my ex?

Oh, I almost forgot, there's also Darth Vader. He's been extra-sweet lately. I don't know, I've waited a long time for him to warm up and just when he's already warming up to me, now this. Am I really giving up Darth Vader for Murakami?

Soon, I'd be forced to make a life-altering decision and it means choosing between people who are dear to me and the possibility of starting anew. If I choose Estong, I'd be as I am today--a driftwood floating aimlessly into the vast sea. If I choose Murakami, I'd be facing a brand new adventure--an adventure which I'm not sure I'm ready to take. There's just too much uncertainty in that adventure. Good thing that I don't have to confuse myself with Darth Vader. He has repeatedly told me that he loves his wifey so I can't possibly choose him.

Still, I'm totally confused. I don't know how to NOT HURT anybody, but I know soon I'd be hurting one of these guys.

But right now, I wish to escape. Like really escape somewhere. Go somewhere far and private and cold and warm and peaceful. I want to be able to think hard about this. This time, I want to be able to make the right decision. And I want to go where I'd be truly happy.